Thresholds

The point when I usually turn around

I hate everything that I’m creating. Every thing.

When I sit down at my keyboard every day, I feel waves of resistance permeating through me. I try to make a collage and I end up scrapping it. My words are not making sense to me. This is the exact point when I usually stop, turn back, quit.

I would label this uncomfortable feeling intuition and find a safe place to hide until I felt like my old self again.

Even though my mind is going kicking and screaming, I will keep going this time. I will keep creating through this messy middle part even though I hate to let you see me like this.

I used to spend weeks on one post, shaping and softening sentences until a piece was polished and I loved the artwork. I knew that deciding to create more and think less would force me to grow, but forty posts later, I’ve reached a threshold.

I’m at the threshold of deciding if I want to keep moving away from perfectionism and towards consistency. Today, I’m not so sure.

The thing about thresholds is…they always suck.

You reach the point where you would usually tap out. This time, you have cultivated juuust enough strength to keep going, but not without moving through some intense self-doubt.

The tools that got you to this point will no longer work. The old skin has grown too tight. The antlers are too heavy. You need to let go of the familiar and take some shaky steps into new territory.

You don’t actually know who you will become if you walk through the threshold because you’ve never gotten this far before. You look in the mirror and don’t see yourself yet.

A newer, truer you will emerge if you just keep moving one step closer.

I hate everything that I’m creating this week. Every thing.

But at least I’m still creating this time.